Can’t believe it. Lost another blog on WordPress. I don’t have any idea of how that happened! I am so frustrated. The stuff I wrote wasn’t bad either.
Think I need to find a different way of publishing. I can’t afford to keep losing my material like this. Whether or not I did this to myself, there should have been some system of failsafes that would have prevented me from doing this to myself. That’s providing I did it to myself.
All in all, with the exception of losing my blog, this has been a pretty good day. My blood work looked very good this morning. Apparently, in spite of the difficult days, the graft is taking well with a minimum of serious problems. Knowing that is very comforting because I assumed all of those problems I’ve been having were indicative of more serious problems. But they’re not.
I’m feeling much better today as well. I feel is like I’m living on a pendulum. One day I feel good and the next day I feel sick and I never know why. Apparently, that’s less important than what’s going on with my blood chemistry. Still I’m happy that things are looking good. When I start to feel better consistently that will be a real plus.
It’s beginning to get cold. We’ve had a wonderful Fall so far. I’m so glad I got out of the hospital in time to see these beautiful days.
I want to be able to start looking forward instead of wondering what’s going to happen next. I’ve been able to work three out of the last four days. Not high quality stuff but coherent enough to be useful. I need more clarity of mind and can only hope that it’s coming. The transplant process is very unnatural. It’s hard to tell just how much damage it did to my body as well. I think I’m seeing some of that.
It was a better day today. Didn’t have to go to the hospital today so I slept in. Felt very rested. I got some work done. Not nearly as much as I wanted to do but, in the process, forgot to eat breakfast which, for me, is definitely not a good idea. I can’t afford to lose any weight.
It was a little bit cold outside and it felt like Fall. It was a great day to take a little trip. For me to do any serious work I need to have a clearer mind (for longer periods of time) than I have yet had on a regular basis. Hopefully, that will come soon. I’m about half way through my stay in Buffalo.
Thank goodness for this place where we live. It makes our confinement here so much easier! We are so fortunate. I have hospital appointments tomorrow. Sunday we have off and we’re going to church. Tomorrow’s another day.
I’m alive! I’m still here! Why am I so surprised? Doesn’t matter. Today I’m delighted that, in spite of all of the difficulties and dangers of the last year, I am still alive. It’s been a long thirteen months but, I’m pleased to say, I’m still here.
You might ask: “What brought that on?” First of all, I’m feeling pretty good today. Secondly, I have a report on my blood chemistry in my hands. White blood cells normal. Hematocrit low. Platelets very low (44). Red cells high. ANC normal. With the exception of the platelets, I’m very comfortable with what I’m seeing. Of course, low platelet numbers are what got this whole party started in the first place. Today may be the first day since the transplant when I don’t “feel” as though I have a dread disease. I’m feeling like a man with a future.
Went to the hospital today. It was a cold day but the wind was absolutely piercing. It portends an absolutely fierce winter once the temperatures drop. I don’t know where the wind is blowing from but I suspect it’s one of the lakes (either Erie or Ontario). That wind, if it’s consistent, would make it colder than Adams.
With the leukemia, each time I received chemotherapy successfully (and they were all at least marginally successful), I felt as though I had received a new lease on life. It was a short-term lease, to be sure, but it was a new one. Now I’m beginning to feel that, with the transplant, I have a new lease on life of the unspecified long-term variety.
My hair is coming back. Will it come back again this time with the full range of colors that it had last time? It came back red, brown, black, grey and white. (When I first got leukemia my hair color was pure white). Only time will tell on this. I’m hoping for more of the same. That was one of the nicest surprises that I’ve had since the start of all this.
Went to Church for all three meetings today. It felt good. It may have been the first time in a year that I’ve made it to all three of my meetings. This ward is the size of a branch but it is very comfortable. Very easy to attend. The members are very friendly. We were very fortunate. We ended up with a great apartment as well as a great Ward to attend. However, because I slept in, we got to church just barely too late to take the sacrament. I’ll have to do better next week.
Gradually getting colder. Last year about this time, I had either just gotten back home after my first round of chemotherapy or was about to. I remember just how cold I was all of the time. I’d lost so much weight and all my hair. Losing the hair mortified me. Looked so much goofier (and older) without the beard. It would be awhile before the hair would come back.
The lost weight was tragic too. When I was a boy I was exceptionally skinny, constantly picked on. When I finally approached normal weight I was so happy. In regards to that, the first time “tragedy” struck was during my mission when I became very sick and for many years,my weight was very low again. I hated it but there was nothing that I could do about it. Gradually I gained the weight back again. And now, here I am, looking “Gollumesque” once more. I don’t like the memories that looking like this evoke in me.
More importantly, I am glad to be alive. I’ll be even more pleased if I get to be (and feel) productive once more. I’m hoping to be able to regain enough strength and the means to be able to do many things again. At any rate, I need to find that sense of being productive again. I suppose I won’t get to see what that means until I achieve it.
More next Sunday, October 25, 2015