11/08/15 10pm Sunday Evening Stem Cell Replacement Blog: There are times when all we can see are the hard things we have to do.

MONDAY

This is a tough day because I’m prepping for a colonoscopy. Talk about misery! Much rather be doing something else. Almost anything else would be better than this. I hope I can get sufficiently prepped that I don’t have to do this again. It’s pretty terrible. Don’t know how I’m going to handle getting over to the hospital tomorrow without all kinds of accidents being possible. Got to figure this out. Want to get this thing done, once and for all!

Talked with the head doctor today. We talked about leaving here in about a month. He was pretty upset with me. Don’t know exactly why but it made this meeting uncomfortable. I wasn’t pleased with the results at all. Nothing was comfortable today. Simply trying to live through the day until things around me look a little better than they do right now. I’m discouraged and feeling misunderstood (whether that’s true or not). The longer this goes on the more brittle I feel.

My blood work was good today. My platelets were the highest they have yet been since the transplant. They were at 67k. One hundred thousand is the minimal normal level. I’m hoping this trend continues. Don’t know if I’m going to get any sleep tonight. How am I going to get to the hospital without having an “accident”?

To sum it up. Mostly good news today accompanied with uncomfortable physical symptoms and the like. Really beginning to want to go home and get out of this roller coaster. I want familiar and comfortable things in my life!

TUESDAY

In spite of all of the frustrations, and the doubts, and similar thoughts and attitudes, I suddenly realized (again), as I have over and over again, that I’m alive and will yet prosper and prevail through means long prepared, but not yet visible or obvious to me. This has always been the case. It’s only a question of faith, long-suffering, patience and humility. The Lord will take care of the rest, as He always has done and will do.

My older son has found a girl who seems to be compatible with him. I’ve been praying about that for a very long time. Have a good feeling about this one. Haven’t met her yet. I think they’re on to something.

The irony of all of this is, and has been, the harder the times are, the more faith I have to apply to them. That’s when I do my best. The easier it gets, the harder the time I have with vision and the exercise of faith. Now that I am, apparently, past the worst of it, the harder it is for me to live with this disease and the problems it causes me. My “vision” is diminished.

This has been a terrible night (coming into morning now). Most things that could have gone wrong with this colonoscopy prep have. There was plenty to clean up to do. Now all I have to do is wait to go to the hospital until it’s time for the colonoscopy to begin.

It’s over now. Let’s hope this is the low point of my whole experience and everything else is uphill from here. I’m so glad it’s over! Last night was miserable! Now, may everything begin to resolve itself and come to an end! Let the healing begin! I’m sure it will happen because I just waved my magic wand! (Meanwhile, back in reality!)

Can’t stay awake. I need to be rested in order to get through the remainder of the day! Don’t know when that’s going to be.

WEDNESDAY

I’m missing the focus I should have in this blog and don’t know how to find it. I wanted accuracy so that I can remember what was happening at the time I wrote it. Unfortunately, that is incredibly mundane. I wanted to talk about important things too. Those two goals contradict each other. And, I wanted it to be interesting. I’ve reached my goals from time to time but not consistently.

I’ve rarely  done all three at the same time. I don’t know what the solution is. This is more like ramblings with some facts thrown in. The other question is just how discrete should i be? I’m confused. I have a great deal to learn when it comes to blogging.

Still don’t have the CPAP pressure change so my machine isn’t working for me very well. It never arrived although it was sent. Don’t know what’s going on. Everything I have done to get that pressure changed over the past year has failed. It’s a though there is a giant hand interfering with me getting the results I’m looking for. No matter what i do, this hasn’t worked out for me.

This needs to happen. Good rest is such an important component of health. I’ll keep trying. I know it was sent but never delivered.

That flash drive with the new CPAP pressure finally arrived a few minutes ago. I have no idea of why it took so long to get here. Put it in the CPAP and immediately changed the pressure to 14. I’m very pleased with it. I definitely feel better although the higher pressure also means that there is a greater potential for noisy leaks. Haven’t figured out what to do about that yet.

THURSDAY

Temperatures will rise up to nearly 70 degrees Fahrenheit again today. It’s so beautiful outside.!This is definitely “healing weather”. I’m loving it! Can’t believe this is November.

Learning, growing, becoming. Doing this in a difficult world working with a clumsy body filled with all kinds of weaknesses. Gollum is my idol and, perhaps, my mentor. Never thought I would ever be that “skinny” again. Went through that as a child. People used to compare me to concentration camp internees. Now I get to do it again. This is so cruel!

On the other hand, I can now claim to be a cancer survivor for a little more the 70 days. Ironically, in all of my weakness (and recognition of it), I am strong. When I’m humble, God is my guide, my shield and my weapon against the perils of this world. I’ve been totally destroyed and yet I am unbeaten. It’s one of the mysteries of this world. You can’t be beaten. You have to give up, capitulate, surrender. It’s a strange life indeed! Very little in our world is as it appears to be.

FRIDAY

This shows my problems with memory. I had something that I thought would be very important to include in my blog. By the time I was ready to write it down, I had forgotten what it was. Being this forgetful is very discouraging.

SATURDAY

Becky and Brian are here right now. They’re touring the hospital with Lynne. Now they’re going over to  PriceRight, our market, to see what it’s like. I didn’t feel strong enough to go to either of those places with them so I stayed home. It’s been nice to have them here.

SUNDAY

Time to publish. Not much more to say. Looking for a better week to come. My chiropractic visit on Friday was good. I was able to get a lot of relief. With just the two times I visited the chiropractor, my oxycontin use is down. This is a trend that I want to see continue. Time to start the new week.

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