10 PM Stem Cell Transplant Blog: Aftermath and after thoughts!

I lived through the transplant process, so far, everything is proceeding more or less as expected. Because of that, you’d think that I’d begin to relax, wouldn’t you? That’s not happening. Why?

I have a theory. To me it appears that when the pressure is on, your mind chooses to respond by “hunkering down” and dealing with the real and present danger with which you are faced. When those challenges begin to fade away, your concerns come back and begin to take over again. Those anxieties can manifest themselves in a large variety of ways.

What I’m experiencing right now is unfocused anxiety. I”m worried about everything, not knowing what to be concerned about in the future. I’m worried about what will happen next. I’m also concerned about whether or not the Leukemia will come back. These worries rotate from one series of things and then through a series of others.

I’m getting better every day but the path isn’t totally straightforward. I’d like to see some more warm weather. This cold is more than I can handle at this point. I’ve already made one “nearly complete” recovery from Leukemia ALL. This time I’m hoping it will be totally complete and, I suppose, subconsciously, worried that it may not. Life takes faith and I need to exercise faith more consistently. Sometimes it’s easy to do and other times it isn’t.

I’ve received excellent medical care but I am so happy to be out of the hospital. i’m beginning to feel more like a human being all of the time. I hope to be able to stay out of the hospital! One day at a time. Only time will tell!

More tomorrow.

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