10 pm Stem Cell Transplant Blog + day 31. Getting rid of each leukemic blast from the past a single cell at a time.

I realize that the fact that I am still alive has less to do with me than it might seem. Still, my willing participation in the process is totally necessary as well.

I was extremely disappointed last night when my blog simply (and inexplicably) disappeared from my browser and my program. WordPress can be like that. If copy disappears it may simply be gone unless you’ve already had the opportunity to put a save in on the article. Last night I wasn’t even touching the article and I watched it disappear. It’s not the first time WordPress has done that! Ihink that I may have found it again. I still can’t conceive of how an article I’m not working on, am looking at, can spontaneously disappear from my screen and “hide” in my word processing program?

I”m hoping that getting out on Monday will speed up the healing process. I’m almost certain that it will. Being with my wife Lynne and seeing my family will help me too. I haven’t seen any member of my immediate family for well over a month. I’m looking forward to the prospect of enjoying life again. What a joy that can be! I’m hoping that no unforeseen circumstances interfere with that!

Right now I”m locked in place. Need to start going forward again. Getting forward motion, as anyone who’s done it knows, is easier said than done. I simply have to do it. Wish that the only things that I knew how to say were encouraging words! I’m pretty far from that too at the present. All that I can say right now is that I lived through it. Now I have to get excited about it again. When I get out of here, I think I can muster that. I find it amazing how quickly my courage can fail. One man’s life’s challenge can be so different to another person.

Still, I know I’m where I ought to be doing things that I know I should be doing (in a general sense). And much more specifically, some of what I’m experiencing is absolutely necessary for my salvation. So, the game grinds on. Some of my most profound insights can come through the my most mundane experiences.

The restrictions they’re placing on me are onerous. It will be a definite challenge for me to keep them. I don’t know how these things will affect my wife Lynne. Somebody has to be the anchor here?

My next question is: “What’s really next?” What will constitute the real challenges?

I’ll talk about that more tomorrow (if I can remember). At least tomorrow I get out on the street again! Feel the sunshine and the breeze. Walk in crowds of people with a penguin mask on feeling, I suppose, totally normal? We’ll see.

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