My blog is an attempt to communicate thought and feelings about my experience going through the healing process with Leukemia. I’m not sure but I don’t feel as though I am able to do this very well.
I need a certain amount of energy to communicate effectively to other people. I’ not feeling it. I don’t eat because I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry because I don’t sleep. Then the process repeats itself all over again. If I could break though on the sleeping, and get the rest that I need, everything else would fall into line as well.
Having leukemia for me has most often been a process of being continually tired. When it gets this bad, I don’t have any understanding as to how I”m getting that tired. Can’t even remember what happened the last time I felt like this. Can’t remember anything very well right now! What happens next, why and how?
I’ll be getting a bone marrow biopsy today. It’s terrible test. I both remember it and I don’t That’s because I’v had it with both the drug that makes me forget the results and the without it. I know that it can be incredibly painful and takes about 15 minutes. I also know it’s the only way we can tell whose stem cells are repopulating my bone marrow. They could be mine or the other guy’s. The could belong to both of us. Frankly, with the massive effort they put into killing my bone marrow off. I find it hard to believe that any of mine remain. And, on top of that, the recover patterns are entirely different this time than when they were mine.
Now that you’ve heard my entirely unscientific evaluation, you’ll get to there would really happened in about a week. That’s about how long it takes to get the results back. I slept a few hours since I last wrote so I’m feeling “okay” right now. I’m lucid. I can’t say how long that is likely to continue. Every time I’m about ready to give up, something happens that makes me capable of living with all the pain and the problems. I feel very fortunate in that. How I want to get out of here! Hopefully I’ll know more on Monday.
Even though I’m miserable today, I am glad to be alive. I would hate to think that I had wasted all of this for nothing’ although I no know that even “nothing” can be so much more than we can imagine. This is definitely one of my hardest times during this entire recovery process. They tell me it can get much harder before it gets easier. They’d know better than I would.
The bone marrow biopsy was the hardest that I remember having. Uncomfortable before, during and after. I think this is the third but it may have been the fourth biopsy I’ve had. I’m not 100 per cent sure. Downsizing the line was no fun either but the process was more familiar to me. I’ll be very happy when, and if, I don’t have to do any of these things any more.
Well, this day’s over. Hopefully, Tomorrow will be better!