Sunday, December 13th, Stem Cell Leukemia Transplant Blog: I have 100 plus days since my transplant, what does it all mean?

Lasr week passed me by again,

Unlikely as that was

It could have been a “blast”

But it was so hard!

An epic struggle,

 

Survival was a constant question,

Wasn’t disappointed there,

But  in terms of quality of life (in the future)

Was told to beware

 

Very disappointing,

Almost haunting,

Only the exercise of faith,

Will get me through this short disappointing race!

 

Not doing well right now,

Future quality of  life.

More important to me.

Than survival feels right now?

 

Endure I must,

 

Never know where life will take me,

Can’t see the future right now,

If you must know,

But I imagine what I should expect,

And what I want to see,

 

Often leading to bitter disappointments too,

Because of hopes and dreams,

Which we should not have entertained,

Much less sought for,

But it’s the nature of life,

And the and the human condition.

 

 

My mistakes may still be short-term,

Won’t know till I the results are seen,

And like all the rest,

Hope to see the truth,

And accept it.

 

Much better than expected,

Sweeter than anticipated,

Only time will tell,

And time has been kind to me

All for now.

 

In spite of what I say,

Or the pains I express,

This time has still been the defining moment,

Of my entire life,

 

Made me a better man,

That what I was,

Or thought I could be,

And even who I am,

In some mysterious way,

I fail to understand!

 

Wednesday

Just started to eat again. Such pain. I thought I was a dead man this time even though now I am “cancer free”. I’m definitely not disease-free. This whole process has done great damage to me physically. The jury is still out regarding how much of my former strength can be recovered and what I’ll be able to do. I’m very weak right now.

Thursday

That was a poor attempt at self-expression while very sick. Maybe some of what I intended came across?

There have been some very difficult days this week but I’m feeling very different today. So much better. It’s hard for me to believe that I’m the same person that I was on Monday I feel so much better today. If I can eat well and exercise today and tomorrow maybe I can get out of here. I eat so much better at home.

Need to be able to walk too. If I can “stuff” my brace perhaps I can get the right “angles” that I need to be able to walk enough to make a difference?

Friday

Tried fixing the brace. Worked reasonably well. Both my appetite and my strength are coming back. Feeling better is a relief.

Saturday

My brother arrived today from New Mexico with his wife Susan. Should see both of them tomorrow. Looking forward to it.

I’m fighting foolishly with the staff but I am definitely feeling stronger again. All this give me more hope.

Sunday

Scott and Susan came and saw me today. It was great to see them. I’d love to see them with  prospering more than they are! They’ll be back tomorrow. Time to publish. Good night! This was a happy day! Should be going home on Wednesday!

 

 

 

 

10pm Sunday, 12/20/15 Stem Cell Leukemia Transplant Blog. Time to go forward again!

Monday

Starting another week. Definitely more healthy. Ate almost 3000 calories for my mid-day meal and I’m still eating. The change has come but I don’t know what it means. What does this all mean?

It’s about time to go. Problem is I don’t know where to go from here. It’s definitely time to start working again. I can feel that I have sufficient strength and clarity of mind to begin working again. And, I have a plan. Guess we’ll see how well it works!

Tuesday

Was able to work a little bit today in spite of the difficulties. Changing the direction has been difficult and will probably cause me some serious problems with my son but the changes are the right thing. Need some overt success or my feelings on this matter aren’t going to matter. This whole thing may be very difficult. Only time will tell.

Wednesday

Now I’m out! Feeling pretty good. Need to get to bed. See how I feel tomorrow. It’s pretty late right now! Can’t reconcile my medications right now!

Thursday

First day out. Very disappointing results. I’m sick all over again and I don’t know why! What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I figure this out myself? I’m worried that exactly the same thing (gradually being incapacitated) will happen all over again but without any understanding as to why! Don’t feel like eating again.

Friday

Walked out into the kitchen. On the way back tripped on the two steps up. Hit my head so hard! I was surprised. Didn’t expect that at all! How did that happen? No recollection at all. Just remember going down very quickly and uncontrollably. That’s gonna be so black and blue! It’ll be difficult to explain to medical staff on Tuesday when I go back there. Don’t want to have to do that at all. Enough of that!

Showing remarkably little damage from that terrible fall today. Did I “dodge the bullet” again? I can only hope so. I’ll have to learn to be more careful and “act my age”. What did I trip over? Absolutely no control over that fall. Hit the floor before I knew I was falling! And yet, I feel fine now?

Saturday

Back again. Feel better again today. Perhaps I’m making progress but at an uneven rate or something like 2 steps forward and 1 step back? I think that I’ve been surprised by the amount of work and time this “rehab or getting back to normalish” is taking. Wish I felt more courage!

It’s going to take just as much effort for me to rehab as it has for me to survive. I’m going to have to gear up for this. I didn’t understand how this is going to work. And, in some respects, it may be too late already.

Figured out what I “tripped over”. It was the floor. The  floor is covered with a wood laminate. The subfloor is very uneven. There’s a very obvious spot of “low to high” right before those two steps. Wasn’t paying attention. I am now!

Sunday

Very early Sunday morning (still Saturday night to me). I was able to work today, to get some stuff done. I think it may have been good. I don’t know if I was able to pack the tweets tightly enough to determine whether I was successful or not. Ultimately, with advertising, no response means that it can’t be successful (unless your metrics for success are incorrect). And therein lies my dilemma. Measurement and clear-headedness? Need some rest, time for bed once more!

Maybe a little bit more in the morning?

 

12/06 10:00pm Stem Cell Leukemia Transplant Blog. I should be wrapping it up here soon but, hey, you never know?

Monday

Today’s the day that I get the fluid around my lungs punctured and drained. I’m not looking forward to that. For me, right now, the worst part of this is not being able to eat or drink. I’m both dry and thirsty. I’m certain that being hungry and thirsty will be the least of my problems once this procedure gets started! Life in the fast lane! My appointments took way to much time today. As a result, I’m very sick again. Just don’t know what to do? Terrible! They only punctured the right side today. They removed 2500cc of fluid. Going to  do the other side on Friday. I was told there is somewhat less fluid on that side. I’m looking forward to getting this done and getting some relief!

Tuesday

I’m very disappointed with this constant round of sickness that doesn’t ever seem to end nor for no reason can be found. I’m totally confused by all of this. Why can’t I get past this point? If I don’t, I question whether or not I’m  going to survive this. Still don’t know what the problem is? My strength has come back a little bit. I spent the entire day in bed.

Wednesday

Today’s the day for my bone marrow biopsy. I hope that I’m healthy enough to get it done. Last time it was scheduled I wasn’t. I was very sick Monday evening through Tuesday evening and then I started to feel better again. while I was feeling sick, that meant another day without eating. Wish this would end, that the doctors would get to the bottom of this! I’m getting really discouraged.

Even with anesthesia and drugs to prevent it, I remember and felt the entire procedure. That’s going to make me more resistant to doing it in the future. Well, they’ll drain the other lung on Friday. That will make it 3 surgical-type procedures in a single week. If it gets me home, it’s worth it to me! I need so much more strength than I have now! I need to go to bed now.

Thursday Still sick and still eating. How’s this going to resolve itself. I appear to be making very uncomfortable progress while, nevertheless, still going forward. My blood chemistry continues to improve each time I have my blood work done. Something has to give here somewhere. I’m feeling more confident but I’m still puzzled why my experience is going like this. I feel very calm. Removing fluid from the left lung tomorrow. I hope that brings even more relief!

Friday

Day 100. I should be done and ready to go home. They took around 900CC’s out from around the sack surrounding the left side of my lungs. They did another cat scan of my lungs after that. They realized that I had pneumonia as well as graft versus host disease manifestation in my lungs. So they readmitted my back into the hospital on the very day when I ought to have bee going home. Of course they were all right but it stings. I can hardly stand up right now.

Saturday

I’m getting better again. Even though I was readmitted to the hospital yesterday,there was some very good news today. Ther was absolutely no sign of leukemia in the biopsy. Those are about all the results that we’ve gotten back from them so far. What a blessing!

10:00 pm Stem Cell Leukemia Transplant Blog 11/29/15 Is this what is actually happening? I find it hard to believe!

MONDAY

I’ve been sick far too long!  I’ve been on a sickness carousel. This has been a revolving door of low-grade and high-grade misery. Sometimes it feels as though it will never end or that the ending that I get is one that I’ll find very disappointing (even after all of this). I can’t make sense out of any of this.

Now I’m feeling better again. My lungs are beginning to clear the fluid out from around them. I’m feeling quite a bit better.

It can be very easy to lose perspective. I’ve come close. Doing my best to persevere.

TUESDAY

I feel a little bit better again today. This is giving me more relief.

Had a bone density test today. I also saw the doctor. They are beginning to zero in on the lungs and the fluid around them as the main cause of my afflictions. That seems to be closer to the heart of the matter. I’m satisfied that I’m getting the help that I need. Now I’ve got to take enough of the medicine to ensure that I can regain my health. Missed almost all of my medications today because of being so busy, on the one hand, and weak on the other. Have to make sure this doesn’t happen again. I’m so tired and weak all of the time plus, there are more than 30 medications that I take every day. Need to get this done! Never thought that survival might come down to an issue as simple as this. Can’t let that happen.

WEDNESDAY

So far this has been a very difficult week. In spite of all of the problems, my blood chemistry is looking better every time I receive the results. Considering how I feel, this is amazing! Eating a little bit more all of the time. At some point there has to be a breakthrough, doesn’t there?

Gerrit and Cheryl will be here tomorrow. A touch of reality in an otherwise surreal situation. Nothing is proceeding the way that I would have expected it to or wanted it to.

THURSDAY

Cheryl and Gerrit arrived around noon. Very good to see them. Still don’t feel well. I want to feel healthy again so badly!

Swollen ankle due to water retention? Didn’t sleep much last night. Need to get all of these things under control. There are so many ways to be uncomfortable! I’m discovering more of them all the time. I need to be able to eat and to rest before I get to go home. As simple as all of this appears, I need to figure out how to do it.

At least I’m beginning to eat better again. Wish I could get clear of these other problems.

Living this way takes courage, more than I could ever have imagined. The longer this goes on, the harder it is. I’m very hard-pressed!  The only saving grace that I can find in this situation is that I am gradually getting better!  It was good to see Cheryl and Gerrit. Cheryl played her piccolo for us after dinner. She played the movements that she soloed in her concert the previous week which means I was privileged to hear them. She is so good. It was wonderful to hear her play again. Too bad they went back home the same day.

FRIDAY

If  I were a drinker, I would say that I felt “hung over”. At any rate, I’m feeling the same lack of clarity and a similar level of confusion. It’s begun to pass during the course of the day. Was it something that I ate yesterday? Eating very slowly but eating almost continually now. I’m eating simple foods but they have appeal to me! I’ve been able to eat and rest all day. It’s been really nice.

SATURDAY

It’s a dark and gloomy day with temperatures close to freezing. The good news is that I’m feeling better again. Wish I could get rid of this water retention. Everything is beginning to look up. I should have enough strength soon to show some  initiative and get things done, perhaps work a little bit. I’m looking forward to it.

Right now, I’m eating Oreo cookies and a new type of Town House cookie, neither of which I probably should be eating but which demonstrate how much better I feel right now.

SUNDAY

Definitely getting better. I’ll go to church then I’ll rest up today for a trying week to come: Removing fluid from around my lungs on Monday and a bone marrow biopsy on Wednesday. For the most part, I’ve enjoyed the week. Hoping next week is even better.

This has been a promising week with a complete change of directions regarding my health. It looks as though my primary health problems are being resolved. I relieved and very thankful! Let’s see what next week brings instead!

Good night!

Sunday Night Stem Cell Leukemia Transplant Blog, November 22, 2015 Trying to express my thoughts with a clarity that I often lack.

Monday

Arrived here at this apartment on the 28th of September. My wife, Lynne, has had to take care of me. She prepares my pills (about 30 a day), makes sure that I take them and gives me my Tachrol (which controls graft vs. host disease). She also prepares most of my meals. She’s responsible for seeing that I do what the doctors’ tell me to do and that I remember and go to all of my appointments. I can’t explain the process much better than this.  In other words, she takes care of me. She’s been so diligent! I’m very thankful. She’s shown so much dedication! She’s been a blessing to me for certain.

I have a number of medical tests and appointment tomorrow. Hopefully, they will reveal what the problems are which are holding me back right now. I need to be able to eat and to regain my strength. Hopefully, someone will be able to help me understand the best way to do this. I have to learn what I need to do to begin eating again. Definitely losing strength. Can’t afford to lose any more weight. I don’t understand what’s happening to me.

Tuesday

Not eating for me ha reached a critical level. If it’s not already too late, unless I begin to eat as I should now I’m going to have serious, if not critical problems. I’ve got to impress this upon Lynne so that she can understand just how crucial this has become (although there’s little she can do about it). I don’t want to go back into the hospital again. Don’t think I could handle it. I want to get some “jasmine” rice because I know that I will eat it. Hopefully, my new prescriptions will help make it easier for me to want to eat.

Wednesday

Yesterday was a day of testing for lung and heart problems. The only results that I got back were for my breathing capacity which has diminished by 50%. I was given inhalers and antibiotics with which to deal with these problems. Just using them today I feel better than before. I was able to eat a modest amount of food tonight. It felt good after not eating more than a bite or two at dinner each evening. I’m relieved. I’m beginning to think I’m going to get past this, heal and go home. That, at least, is the plan. Tomorrow, in addition to blood tests, I’m having a bone marrow biopsy. We’ll see what progress I’ve made. I just want to go home! More tomorrow.

Thursday

Discovered that I’m not very good at this kind of “documentary” blogging. If I blog in the future, it will have to be on other topics about which I feel more passionate and committed to. Had to cancel the bone marrow biopsy because I wasn’t healthy enough to go through with it. I’m very uncomfortable. This is really disappointing.

Friday

Haven’t been able to keep up with my medicine. Yesterday was way too hectic. Today I need to do it right. What a struggle the last few days have been. How fragile my mortality is has become more and more obvious. Talk about uncomfortable! I’m so weary of being sick constantly! Makes me wonder if this ever ends? Where does the courage come from that it takes to live?

I’ve had many insights into who and what I am. I am by no means, necessarily, an “evil” person, someone who seeks to do the wrong things and delights in it. On the other hand, there are definite limits to my virtue, and vision, and desire to do the “right thing” continually. I try but I continually fall short. I’ve made many mistakes, some of which have had long-term consequences for me and for others; especially my family. Looking back at it, I would have hoped to have done better, much better. Instead, I became blinded by my own pain (or shame) which allowed me to pursue a path that was damaging to myself or others. I can describe it but I can’t excuse it. I wish I had seen it earlier and made a more genuine effort to correct my path. I see my responsibility and my guilt in these things. How do you make right what you’ve done in the past in the present? Especially when those who were injured, don’t want to forgive you?

Ate a little bit for breakfast. Still struggling to eat. It’s a real problem. Had one scoop of ice cream. Was able to tolerate it. Still struggling. I’ll get all of my pills down tonight! I think that I’m getting a little bit better?

Saturday

What a week this has been! I’ve been so sick, at times, that I wondered if I was going to make it. Couldn’t have been much more distressed or depressed. Can’t really talk about my anxiety without causing problems. I’ve tried to have courage throughout this whole ordeal but I find that it’s “slip-sliding” around and not easy to maintain. There’s a price to be paid for every day. Hopefully, I’ll be able to eat today? Going to try some Jasmine rice as soon as it is ready. At least I’m up early enough to make sure that I get all of my medications taken care of before the end of the day. It seems that I take at least 30 separate medications.

It’s raining today and will be all weekend. Lynne is worried about the rain turning into snow while she’s traveling to and from Oswego on Sunday and Monday. I’m not too concerned yet. This will just be a dusting. Later on will be different. This is probably the most treacherous snow area in the country but, usually, not until after the first of the year. Last year was a very remarkable exception.

Woke up very early this morning. Went back to bed and slept for an additional 5 hours. Feel a little bit better. Can’t believe that I slept that long!

What a miserable week this has been. Don’t know the nature of the problem exactly but I was miserable. It was so bad, I feared for my life. I’m certain that I’ve been this sick before since I had leukemia but I can’t remember ever feeling worse. Because of weakness, I’ve been in danger of falling all week long. Had to be very careful all week.

It’s miserable when you can’t eat.  This seems to be passing. Feeling quite a bit better right now but still very weak.

I’ve been very concerned about Lynne going to Oswego tomorrow for my daughter-in-law’s concert both because of the condition of the car (very old with a check engine light on) and because of my deteriorating condition. Those shadows are being dispersed. Is it a renewal of faith or an improvement in my health, or both? It’s all going to work out. I’m thankful for that reassurance. I have an appetite again and it’s regular if not very strong right now.

Sunday

Sunday morning came without warning,

Arriving far too early,

For thoughtful reflection to occur

Need more sleep,

And some of that deep.

To maintain strength and integrity.

Right now I’m too weak.

 

10:00 PM 11/15/15 Sunday Stem Cell Replacement Blog: Don’t know what to expect so you learn to expect anything.

Sunday Evening:

This has been difficult. Trying to decide what to do next! To say the least, I am confused.

Monday Evening:

Be going home reasonably soon.

Tuesday Evening:

Rainy day today. Most of my thoughts and thinking are on hold. Need a clear head.

Going home soon (to Adams) but have no idea of what I’ll be doing after that. Need to develop a viable plan and then follow it. I need clarity. That’s the starting point.

I’m stunned by how quickly this is coming up. I was expecting to spend about another month here.

Wednesday

It’s been another slow day. Very tired. Not getting anything done. Need more strength and understanding of what is happening with my health. Not getting any insights. I need more strength! Don’t know how to achieve that goal. I’m still eating almost nothing. I wish I understood what was going on. So far I don’t. I’m going to try to get more sleep tonight. The CPAP pressure has been raised and I have a new mask.This should make it possible for me to sleep much better. I’ll find out for sure tonight.

My Hootsuite program isn’t permitting me to send out tweets to multiple addresses. That’s the whole reason I have that program. All of my programs, those that I need, are so buggy! It makes me feel helpless and incompetent.

Need to get past this point in my healing and my “incarceration”. I’m ready to go home and find some normalcy in my life. This has been going on for more than a year. I’m beginning to lose perspective.

Thursday

Trying to do better.  I still don’t have much of an appetite or any desire to do anything. It’s tough trying to care right now. I don’t know what I can do or have to do in order to make the progress that I need to make to get from here to where I need to be. What do I need to do in order to get beyond this point? I just don’t see any progress being made at all.

Anyway, the CPAP is working properly but it is very difficult for me to put on. I should be getting better rested as a result. Maybe that will help? Something has to work in order to get me out of this state of mind. I’ve reached the point that I’m neither going forward nor backwards.

I’m concerned about the future. Have no idea of what it’s going to be. I know what I want to happen but I have no idea of how my life is going to go forward. Anything could happen. I have absolutely no control  over what anyone else does and my actions, at the present, are not very effectual towards meeting any of my own goals.

Friday

I’m still mystified. Don’t know what to do in order to break this “deadlock” in which I don’t feel as though I’m progressing. This frustrates me. What are these problems connected to? Is the issue with my stomach? Does it involve all of the fluid surrounding my lungs? Is it some subtle form of graft versus host disease that I can’t detect? What about the sore in my mouth? I have absolutely no answers myself. What do I need to do next in order to move my “healing” forward?

I bought some supplements like ensure to make sure I’m eating at least the minimum that I need. I get at least the minimal amount of exercise so that shouldn’t be an issue. I can’t make any sense out of this at all.

My attitude is beginning to break down but maybe that was inevitable anyway after the passage of so much time. It doesn’t help that I have no idea of what I’m going to be doing. Nor, at the moment, do I have any desire to do anything anyway! That’s not typical of me. So much I don’t understand. Definitely lacking a sense of direction.

Begun to eat more. It’s uncomfortable to eat but, when I do, I feel better. There has to be a way to get past this so that I can eat normally again and have  my body respond normally to it.

Just heard about the Paris terror attacks. Terrible! This has to change our overall response to the international terrorists! Will we find the “will” to wipe the known terrorists organizations off the face of the earth? If not, I can assure you that this will continue.

Saturday

ISIS has been provoking the West more and more directly. Sooner or later they will get a massive response which should lead to their elimination as a power in the Middle East. So far, the Western powers haven’t been focused enough to employ enough of their power to eliminate them. The Paris attack may be the beginning of the end for ISIS. Only time will tell.

Feeling better today. Going to take the supplements again today. Is this a trend? I think that it may be. As my strength comes back my appetite seems to as well. Reverse of what I would have expected. Each day needs to get better than the last from here on forward or I’m probably not going anywhere soon. We’ll see.

Went into the clinic today without an appointment. Lynne changed the dressing on my central venous catheter last night. Looked really irritated today. Decided not to take any chances. The nurses changed it again today with different products. Looks okay now. Can’t be too careful at this point. I definitely want to get to go home soon.

I’m feeling a little bit better. It’s beginning to warm up again. Easting better than last week. The energy drinks are helping with that. Hopefully, I’m beginning to move past these problems. I’m doing what I can.

Sunday

Water is beginning to taste good. So I’m drinking more of it. I like roasted peanuts too. Eating those things and the protein drinks and some vegetable and rice. At least I’m eating now. It’s disappointing having to go through this process of learning how to eat all over again. Oh, my facial hair is coming back in again but, this time, it’s almost all white. That’s a real disappointment. Would have preferred a mixture with red in it again!

Can’t help but wonder who it was who so generously offered my his stem cells? Know nothing about him except he was 26 years old. My first donor backed out. For some reason he only wanted to do a “bone marrow transplant” which, according to what I’v heard, would have been considerably more painful. Don’t know if their are any particular advantages to it either. That was a strange situation. Had a feeling that he was going to be a no-show but I didn’t know why.

As long as I can rest, I think I’ll take a nap. I sleep much better now that I have a new mask on my CPAP. So, see you all later.

 

Bruce

11/08/15 10pm Sunday Evening Stem Cell Replacement Blog: There are times when all we can see are the hard things we have to do.

MONDAY

This is a tough day because I’m prepping for a colonoscopy. Talk about misery! Much rather be doing something else. Almost anything else would be better than this. I hope I can get sufficiently prepped that I don’t have to do this again. It’s pretty terrible. Don’t know how I’m going to handle getting over to the hospital tomorrow without all kinds of accidents being possible. Got to figure this out. Want to get this thing done, once and for all!

Talked with the head doctor today. We talked about leaving here in about a month. He was pretty upset with me. Don’t know exactly why but it made this meeting uncomfortable. I wasn’t pleased with the results at all. Nothing was comfortable today. Simply trying to live through the day until things around me look a little better than they do right now. I’m discouraged and feeling misunderstood (whether that’s true or not). The longer this goes on the more brittle I feel.

My blood work was good today. My platelets were the highest they have yet been since the transplant. They were at 67k. One hundred thousand is the minimal normal level. I’m hoping this trend continues. Don’t know if I’m going to get any sleep tonight. How am I going to get to the hospital without having an “accident”?

To sum it up. Mostly good news today accompanied with uncomfortable physical symptoms and the like. Really beginning to want to go home and get out of this roller coaster. I want familiar and comfortable things in my life!

TUESDAY

In spite of all of the frustrations, and the doubts, and similar thoughts and attitudes, I suddenly realized (again), as I have over and over again, that I’m alive and will yet prosper and prevail through means long prepared, but not yet visible or obvious to me. This has always been the case. It’s only a question of faith, long-suffering, patience and humility. The Lord will take care of the rest, as He always has done and will do.

My older son has found a girl who seems to be compatible with him. I’ve been praying about that for a very long time. Have a good feeling about this one. Haven’t met her yet. I think they’re on to something.

The irony of all of this is, and has been, the harder the times are, the more faith I have to apply to them. That’s when I do my best. The easier it gets, the harder the time I have with vision and the exercise of faith. Now that I am, apparently, past the worst of it, the harder it is for me to live with this disease and the problems it causes me. My “vision” is diminished.

This has been a terrible night (coming into morning now). Most things that could have gone wrong with this colonoscopy prep have. There was plenty to clean up to do. Now all I have to do is wait to go to the hospital until it’s time for the colonoscopy to begin.

It’s over now. Let’s hope this is the low point of my whole experience and everything else is uphill from here. I’m so glad it’s over! Last night was miserable! Now, may everything begin to resolve itself and come to an end! Let the healing begin! I’m sure it will happen because I just waved my magic wand! (Meanwhile, back in reality!)

Can’t stay awake. I need to be rested in order to get through the remainder of the day! Don’t know when that’s going to be.

WEDNESDAY

I’m missing the focus I should have in this blog and don’t know how to find it. I wanted accuracy so that I can remember what was happening at the time I wrote it. Unfortunately, that is incredibly mundane. I wanted to talk about important things too. Those two goals contradict each other. And, I wanted it to be interesting. I’ve reached my goals from time to time but not consistently.

I’ve rarely  done all three at the same time. I don’t know what the solution is. This is more like ramblings with some facts thrown in. The other question is just how discrete should i be? I’m confused. I have a great deal to learn when it comes to blogging.

Still don’t have the CPAP pressure change so my machine isn’t working for me very well. It never arrived although it was sent. Don’t know what’s going on. Everything I have done to get that pressure changed over the past year has failed. It’s a though there is a giant hand interfering with me getting the results I’m looking for. No matter what i do, this hasn’t worked out for me.

This needs to happen. Good rest is such an important component of health. I’ll keep trying. I know it was sent but never delivered.

That flash drive with the new CPAP pressure finally arrived a few minutes ago. I have no idea of why it took so long to get here. Put it in the CPAP and immediately changed the pressure to 14. I’m very pleased with it. I definitely feel better although the higher pressure also means that there is a greater potential for noisy leaks. Haven’t figured out what to do about that yet.

THURSDAY

Temperatures will rise up to nearly 70 degrees Fahrenheit again today. It’s so beautiful outside.!This is definitely “healing weather”. I’m loving it! Can’t believe this is November.

Learning, growing, becoming. Doing this in a difficult world working with a clumsy body filled with all kinds of weaknesses. Gollum is my idol and, perhaps, my mentor. Never thought I would ever be that “skinny” again. Went through that as a child. People used to compare me to concentration camp internees. Now I get to do it again. This is so cruel!

On the other hand, I can now claim to be a cancer survivor for a little more the 70 days. Ironically, in all of my weakness (and recognition of it), I am strong. When I’m humble, God is my guide, my shield and my weapon against the perils of this world. I’ve been totally destroyed and yet I am unbeaten. It’s one of the mysteries of this world. You can’t be beaten. You have to give up, capitulate, surrender. It’s a strange life indeed! Very little in our world is as it appears to be.

FRIDAY

This shows my problems with memory. I had something that I thought would be very important to include in my blog. By the time I was ready to write it down, I had forgotten what it was. Being this forgetful is very discouraging.

SATURDAY

Becky and Brian are here right now. They’re touring the hospital with Lynne. Now they’re going over to  PriceRight, our market, to see what it’s like. I didn’t feel strong enough to go to either of those places with them so I stayed home. It’s been nice to have them here.

SUNDAY

Time to publish. Not much more to say. Looking for a better week to come. My chiropractic visit on Friday was good. I was able to get a lot of relief. With just the two times I visited the chiropractor, my oxycontin use is down. This is a trend that I want to see continue. Time to start the new week.